I got a very unexpected email from someone last week.
When I was still back in school, I got my first client as a freelance graphic designer for a company in the gay community. They basically gave me a chance to skill up while getting paid. The general manager there, Norm (not real name) is a little weird and slightly flirtatious, but he respected me and my work a lot, so we always have a very good working relationship. A few years back, when I was still single, he would even invite me over along with a few other guys who don't have family in town for Thanksgiving dinner. I was never too close to him, but we kept in touch.
About four months ago, I got a voice message from Norm one day:
He sounded very worried and shattered on the message. I thought it might have something to do with his family or personal issue, so I didn't want to call him back to disturb him. I never got a call from him the following week, and a week later, I got an email from a guy letting me know that he will be my point of contact at least for a while because Norm had gone to rehab.
I can't say I was shocked, knowing that Norm was deeply involved in the gay community where drug and alcoholic addiction is a common thing. I used to hear rumors that he was doing drugs, but again, so many people do it in the community that as long as they don't push it on me, I couldn't careless.
A few months have passed. I've been working well with the new management team at the company. They told me that Norm will no longer come back. I didn't ask them why as I don't want to be nosey. I contacted a few people and they don't have more news to tell me what's going on, so I just left it at that. When I was just about to think I'll never hear from Norm again, I got an email from him last Thursday subjected "Connections":
Norm
It felt a little weird. First of all, the email sounded very different from how Norm used to speak, and it sounded a little sad. Secondly, I never really had one-on-one chat with him other than business related stuff. I called my friend Michael and see whether he knew Norm has came back. He said he just met him a few days before for a coffee and had a long chat. Michael said Norm probably just wanted to catchup and maybe he needs some help from me. I hesitated a little in whether I should meet up with him. Though I might come across as a very social person, I can be a bit reserved meeting up with acquaintances. That being said, since Norm had always been nice to me, I thought I should at least go see how's he doing, so I told him I can go see him on the weekend. He replied saying he's up early every morning now, so I can go see him any time.
Last Saturday, I drove to his place and met up. When he opened the door, I immediately noticed there were something different about him. His face looked more healthy, he talked differently, and most of all, he actually looked at me when he talks. I sat down and we chatted about how his apartment had changed and that I haven't visit for such a long time. After a little, I thought I should break the ice and ask the question, "so Norm, what happened?" He walked over to his newly organized home-office, picked up a binder and said "instead of telling you about it, I want you to read this." He opened the binder which was full of nicely indexed notes, turned to page 21 and passed it to me. It was called the 5th Edition, and the first line read "I have been a cocaine addict for the past 16 years."
I continue reading the one and a half page of hand-written notes. Each word was more difficult to read than the previous. About half way through I was trying very hard not to tear up. It was one of the most honest things I've read in my life: a stripped down no BS version about his addiction and what happened to him during the past 4 months at the rehab. When I finish reading, I looked at Norm and said "I am so sorry, Norm. I am so sorry you had to go through all this" and I gave him a hug. I have hugged Norm many times prior to this, but for the first time in 6 years, I actually can feel his presence. I never realized that when I hugged him before, I didn't feel any substance inside. It's as if this was the first time I meet Norm. The real Norm.
After reading his notes, the first thing that came to my mind was that I failed Norm. Even though I have nothing to do with his addiction over the past years, but as a friend, I thought I could've at least pay attention at him a little bit more. Maybe if I had said something during the past 6 years, something might have changed. Maybe he wouldn't have to go through all the pain at the rehab.
Norm and I chatted for about two hours after that. He told me many things he learned at the rehab: how he now understand what different types of addiction are and what he has to do to remain sober. I was particular amazed by the amount of medical knowledge he acquired. He can even describe what the cocaine chemical will do to a brain cell and how many months does it take for him to get 40% of his brain function back. He showed me all the drawings he had done (which I was shocked consider I never knew he could draw), and his experience with his rehab group (which involved with a few homophobic guys.) Most of all, he told me how he has all the tools he needs to remain drugs free. He is very aware that most relapse happens during the first 6 months and he has to be extremely careful with his life right now, so no major decisions making. He then told me all these ideas he has in mind that he would like my help in the future for setting up an association, where young gay guys who first come to the city can get together without getting into the wrong crowd.
At the meantime, he is occupying his life to connect with people that he trust, and to learn how to use his computer, which he had been putting off for many years. He said he was very lucky because a lot of addicts have to hit the bottom, like losing their love ones, family and all their money, before finally getting the help that they needed.
He was so lively during our short meet up. So much life and so much hope. I never knew how drugs and alcohol addictions can hide such beautiful side of someone. I give all the respect to the rehab facilities and volunteers out there which dedicate their time and effort to help people with issues. Also congratulate to Norm that he had the opportunity to change his life around for the best.
I am so honoured that Norm consider me as a friend and wanted me to be part of his new life.
Hi there-
What can I say? Wow... he been doing drug for 16 years and finally came clean... I know the feeling you are going through which I can related to that. At least you learned the fact on what had happened to him... Now he's clean maybe you and him can be buddy just to be sure he stays clean. This blog gave me goose bumps!! Hugs!!
Posted by: Yodakevin | February 06, 2009 at 12:17 PM
What a lovely and well-written story! And a valuable one to record - I feel like I've learned something. I loved your description of hugging Norm and feeling the difference in him, the substance that had been missing before.
Of course you didn't fail him! There's no way that anything you said could have stopped him doing what he did and there's nothing anyone can do to bring anyone out of that hell - Norm had to recognise the problem and want to quit, which he eventually did. You did the best thing by acknowledging what he went through and rewarding it with your renewed friendship. Well done you - you're a good friend.
Posted by: Greg | February 06, 2009 at 03:22 PM
This gave me goosebumps. In a good way of course! I'm glad he thought of you as a friend, because it is our honor to be friends with such a great person!
I'm really glad that he came clean. I'm sure it was a difficult process, but he did it! And like Greg said, you DID NOT fail him!
Love you!:)
Posted by: miniv | February 08, 2009 at 11:55 AM
Sadly, this is an all too common story in the gay community. I'm happy for you and for him that he can get in the program. It is very important for him right now to surround himself with people who are either in the program or drug free.
Wish him luck for me.
Posted by: moby | February 09, 2009 at 09:04 PM