I got a phone call from Mom last night, and once again, I feel like crap. Of course, this is not the first time it happened, nor I will naive enough to think this is the last time. Yet, this really doesn't help me much for getting over my slight depression over the past week or so.
Basically, remember my dilemmawith my flight to Hong Kong early next year? I guess when I mentioned that last time, I left out one key component that I thought it wasn't that important at that moment (proves how stupid I am), my Mom's birthday is on January 21 and Chinese New Year is on the 26th. My friend's wedding is on the 9th, so if I were to take two weeks off (the maximum pay vacation I have) and to attend the wedding, my duration in Hong Kong will be January 8 to January 20.
My mom asked me over the phone whether I have booked my ticket yet. I told her I have not, but probably will do so this week. She then asked me about my time range, I told her what my plan was. She immediately said "so you are not back for the New Year." I responded "No, because I only have two weeks vacation, and to be honest, I only have one day left, so if I were to take the full two weeks, I will have -13 days which will carry on till June 2009 when it get refreshed. Then, she said something I wish she could take back:
"So, your friend is obviously more important than us."
I honestly do not know how to respond to that statement. There are many level to the answer and with my Mom's temperament as well as her EQ, I don't think she could even try to understand my view on this.
I never weigh my friends with my parents. To me, they are completely different type of relationships that are not even on the same field. I need my friends on a day to day basis, they are the people who shaped who I am now; yet my parents are the two persons who have got me to where I am. That being said, my parents were never my rock. As being by myself for most of my life (since a toddler) I never really needed my parents to be there for me emotionally, even at the darkest moments of my life, I will never mention anything to them, because they won't understand nor I want them to worry about me. Does that mean they are less important in my life? Absolutely not.
Will I dare to say that to my mother? If I want hell to come to my life.
I replied to her statement calmly yet surely, "the whole reason for me to come back this time is to visit my friend's wedding. To be honestly, if I have the option, I would rather not come back at all this time." She repeated "so, I was right, your friend is more important than us." She then went on for about 10 minutes of explaining to me how poor of a son that I am for not having the heart to go back to see them, given that they are growing old and there won't be that many opportunities for me to do the right thing.
Far as I remember, for the past three years, despite my huge debt and living off pay cheques by cheques I managed to borrow money each year just to visit them, and I always made sure I visit around late October so I can be there on my Dad's birthday. Each year, it costs me roughly $1,300 for the ticket: on a budget that I couldn't afford, on the fact knowing I can not take any other vacation during the year, on there is not much I like about Hong Kong other than my parents. I still have done so throughout the years, just to see them. Why? Because they are important to me.
Should I say that to my mother? Maybe I should.
I think I am more hurt than angry about this incident. I know I'm not a great son. I'm terrible when it comes to remembering their birthday or fulfilling all the responsibility on Mother's Day and Father's Day. However, I have been getting better with this as I set annoying calendar reminders that pop up every 5 minutes. This year, I even sent flowers on Mother's Day, which was a first ever since she left Canada. It might not be enough, but it's a progress. I also tried to call them at least 3 times a week, which to me is more than enough consider my life really isn't that exciting enough to find topics to talk about. I also know I have not made it back for her birthday for over 4 years, but her birthday happens to land on the most expensive travel time of the year to Hong Kong (let's say hypothetically I were to stay for her birthday this year, it will cost me additional $300 just because I stay for 2 extra days), as well it's the busiest time of the year for me at work. Have I mentioned I do not make a lot of money and I can't afford to take no-pay leaves?
So, once again, the conversation ended at a cold note. I am left to make the decision on whether I should at all go back to Hong Kong. I also know that she will not call me until I take the first step, and even so I will have to take a few more cold conversations and guilt trip until she will sound decent to speak with.
Should I call her tomorrow? I rather not, but I will.
