Buddhafied

Looking back: 2012

I think I really surprised myself in 2012.

I knew at the beginning of the year I needed to change, but instead of just moving forward, I ended up going a little deeper by fixing some fundamental "flaws" of mine: the sorrows and guilts I felt about my past, the thoughts of not able to achieve what I am capable of, the lack of directions with my financial goals. I addressed all of them to the core and didn't let myself talk myself out of them.

The results were significant. At times, it might not have seemed that I've accomplished a lot. I mean, looking at the goals that I set for myself in 2012, I only managed to finish about a third of them; the difference is, now, I am on a solid ground that I can build on. It was as if I teared down what remained after 30 years of faulty built constructions, including the foundation, and started from the ground up again. Right now, I still have nothing other than an empty lot, but I'm working on my blueprints and imagining what wonderful things I can build on it. This time, I'm going to do it the right way and with no hesitations.

That said, I still managed to get a few things done during the year: I finished a few half marathons (San Diego Rock n' Roll Half Marathon, Scotiabank Half Marathon, Rubber Ducky Half and Strip at Night at Las Vegas); broke a lot of personal bests (half marathon: 1:54; 10km: 0:48); negotiated and bought a new car (Fiat 500: olive green with white/brown interior) and named it Aldo; met with a few long time Tweeps (@iron_fist, @ohsarahjoy, @plan9, @partlyaskew), went to vacation all by myself (Las Vegas) and saw "O" by Cirque du Soliel, which I've been dying to see for over 10 years; saw the 25th Anniversary Final Fantasy Celebration: Distant Worlds concert with @docmarvy; and countless more wonderful events and memories that I wish I had the time to blog about throughout the year. 

2012 was a year of transition and I have never been as proud of myself like I am now. I've set some new goals for 2013 and am looking forward to what 2013 has instore for me.

Happy New Year, everyone.

Wings

If you follow this blog or have known me for a while, you probably knew that I could fly... in my dreams that is.

I forgot when I first noticed that, but when I think back I always have the ability to fly (or more like glide) in my dreams. I often have nightmares where I either take a great fall or that I am lost somewhere. Some time during the course of the dream I will consciously remember that I can fly, and that's when I have the ability to turn around the horrible things that happens to me in a nightmare and possibly escape.

Weird enough, when I was doing my Buddhist trainings, that's when I have the most control of this "ability", to the point where my dreams were becoming lucid. I started to connect the dots and found out a certain things about my "past life". Till this day, I still believe that I was once part of a religion or culture that heavily involved with the "sky people", or most people like to call them the angels. That's why when I visualize my "true form" as I meditate; I always have a pair of wings – a pair of white wings.

I sort of lost that ability for a while, where I no longer could fly in my dreams... until a couple nights ago. I was once again flying through abandoned buildings in a pro-apocalyptic world. It might just be a coincident, it might just be a fluke, but I like to think that it's a sign from my subconscious, telling me that I am ready to take off again. 

Today, I ran today, in a rare sunny clear afternoon in February, feeling I'm blazing through the wind again.

PS: John, if you're reading this... no, we are not having wings.

#26/365 Wings

Shit Asian mom say

I don't think I've ever been this busy in my life EVER! Between three trade shows, mentoring for Team in Training and trying to start fundraising for myself, Chinese New Year and just simply trying to keep up with every aspect of my life, I can barely squeeze in enough sleep to function properly over the past two weeks. There were even a day that I was at work for 32 hours consecutively (yes, there is only 24 hours a day so I just didn't leave! I even had to drop off and pickup my car for service during that time!). I can't say I'm upset about this though. I really feel that momentum is picking up and that I'm not sitting around doing nothing. I just wish I can spare more time doing stuff that I enjoy – like updating this blog.

Anyway, I'm sort of falling behind of the 365 of happiness project, again, due to this crazy schedule I've had for the past weeks, so I have to some how make up posts if I want to finish this by end of the year!

While I was busy trying to make everyone around me happy, this video has been circulating on the internet like madness:

 

I could not count how many times I've watched this video because I can honestly watch this non-stop for hours and still laugh at it. I've been going around the office just randomly saying things from this video while watching people's face goes blank. I mean, what is funnier than screaming "YOU LOOK LIKE PROSTITUE, GO PUT ON PANTS!" when people go into the breakroom for lunch. And "HONEY DO FOR ME!" is such a useful phrase in all kind of situations.

For your information, my Mom probably said 60% of the stuff in this video and she also has one of those visor things... yeah... 

#25/365 Shit Asian mom says

Milo and Nyac

I used to be a special event security supervisor at the Vancouver Aquarium at night (you heard it right, security guard!). They sometimes do small functions there for corporations. Along with the beautiful fish tanks, dopey looking sea lions and the amazing beluga whales, the sea otters, Milo and Nyac, at the Vancouver Aquarium had to be one of the biggest celebrities there.

This video of them holding hands captured millions of people's heart:

 

(for those who don't know, Milo is the lighter one and Nyac the darker)

I had the privilege of standing right up to them and watched them doing that all night peacefully. They're honestly the cutest couples I've ever seen. Sometimes, when they drifted apart while falling asleep, one of them will wake up (usually Milo) realizing they're no longer holding hands and quickly swim back holding hands again. It's as if they can't stand being away from each other.

Nyac passed away a few years back and tonight our beloved Milo also passed away from battling lymphoma for over 6 months (which is ironic to me as I posted about Team in Training last night...)

Thank you for bringing us joy with your love for each other, Milo and Nyac. May you two hold hands forever.

Picture from Globe and Mail.

#24/365 Milo and Nyac

Team in Training

If I have to pick one single best decision I have made for myself last year, it will have to be joining Team in Training. 

In a nutshell, Team in Training is the world's largest endurance sports training program. They provide trainings, mentorings and they pay for the cost of athletes to go to all kinds of races in the world; all they ask is the athletes to fundraise for the Leukemia and Lumphoma Society. 

Around last January, I had just broken up with Scott for about 2 months. I started living by myself and it was a very mentally challenging time for me. I heard this ad on the radio which they promote about TnT going to the San Diego Rock n' Roll Marathon. Maybe because I needed to find something to do, maybe I felt that I should be helping people instead of staying home all the time, or maybe it was just because of fate, I decided to go to the information session. I signed up for the race on the spot and I remember thinking what have I got myself into.

Then week after week, I went to the group training sessions. At first, it was very awkward when I have to hangout with strangers that I felt having nothing I can relate to... I mean, most of the people there have a very specific reason to join Team and Training and the cause is very close to their heart. As much as I have done a lot of fundraisings for cancer researche and love doing so, I actually don't have a very direct connection with cancer. But still, I stuck with it because the people were nice enough and it was good to get out of bed at 6am on Sunday morning instead of wasting my time.

Slowly, I started to learn while I run. I will talk to myself in my head when I run and confront with my angers, my darkest secrets and the sense of lost of what was happening to me back then; instead of running away from my problems, I felt that I have nowhere to go but to run straight in to them. Eventually, running became a form of meditation for me (which I haven't done for a very long time), and I was able to make peace and progress on my recovery.

It was so simple as well. All I have to do is to make one step at a time. That is all I have to care about – one foot in front of the other. As long as I do that, I'm moving forward. I might not be able to see the end of the road, but every step that I made counts. One step at a time, a concept that I have never able to understand until I start running.

With my heart starting to lighten up, I slowly became more open and talk to people in the training group. They ended up being an important part of my life. They will joke with me that I'm always a few minutes late to the gathering but showing up with my Starbucks cup. It might sound silly, but it was just enough attention I needed from people I felt that there are others who care for my existence. Regardless of what their initiative, these are people who care about other humans, that's why they join the Team. For a person who often lose faith in the human race, it's a breathe of fresh air. Six months after the race in San Diego, I still get messages from these friends of mine. Running with them every second week and then hanging out for brunch afterward has become one of the highlights of my week.

With all that Team in Training has given me, I thought it was only appropriate that I give back. That's why I signed up mentoring for the San Diego run this year. I want to be part of someone's journey to recover something they might have lost or to discover something they have yet to be found.

#23/365 Team in Training

What ifs

As much as I want to keep myself from thinking about the past, sometimes it still can be difficult. Today is one of those days that I couldn't stop thinking about the "what ifs".

What if things didn't happen the way that it did; what if the mistake hadn't been made. What if we've never met; what if we left it at friends. What if I told you earlier; what if you've forgiven me. So many what ifs, so many possibilities, yet things happened this way.

Sometimes I'd like to think there are parallel universes, where each of the what if has its own timeline. How many of them will be a happy ending? How many of them will end with the same result? How many of me will still be lonely?

In one of them everyone will be happy, right? In one of them for sure we will all sit around and laugh about it one day. In one of them we know we've made the right decision, right? In one of them there will be no guilt or sorrow. In one of them I won't be thinking about the what ifs...

So many what ifs, so many universes. Which one am I in? I am in the "right one", right?

Gold card

Now not only I can tell people that I like their extra-hot hot chocolate, I can show people that I'm an addict.

#22/365 Starbucks gold card

Final Fantasy XIII

So, four days into the New Year and I've already accomplished one of my goals! Not all that surprised but it's a video game goal... and to be honest, I was meant to finish the game before the New Year but a few projects was on deadline around then and I didn't have time to finish it. Anyway, it's still nice to be able to cross out one item on the list this early on!

I've been a Final Fantasy fan since the 6th installment of the series. Like a good fanboy, I lined up at midnight to get the Final Fantasy XIII on March, 2010. But similar to many Final Fantasy fans, I was a little disappointed with the game and eventually stopped playing it. I started playing again when I got my HDTV last month and, surprisingly, I like it.

I've been a fan of Final Fantasy since their 6th installment. I've played all of the games in the series since then but have only finished one game. The problem is there is usually so much to do right before the last dungeon of the game that I spend hours trying to collect things, level up, upgrade weapons, etc that by the time I put another 40-50 hours into the game, I either lost interest or that I have other more important stuff to do. I had played Final Fantasy VI (my favourite game in the series) at least 10 times and worked my way to the final part of the game but never finish the final boss fight. That is why this year I have goals to finish three of the games. It's hard to call myself a fan when I don't even finish these games!

#21/365 Final Fantasy XIII

Furry Walls

Recent years, I have come to terms that I am a movie snob.

Now, I'll like to point out despite that I call myself that, I will still go to a movie that I think will be bad if enough people wanted to go see it. I will watch it prejudicially but be extremely critical about it. In particular, I am picky with comedies. I like watching a comedy that has a little bit of substance instead of just cheap laughs. I know... I did say I am a snob. (Just for the fun of it, see how many times I make a snarky remark about other movies in this entry. Starts... now!)

In 2010, there were two comedies that I love: Easy A and Get Him to the Greek.

Get Him to the Greek was sort of a prequel of Forgetting Marshall (which I like but not love). The plot was simple, Aaron Green, a low-level talent scout played by pre-skinny version of Jonah Hill, needs to get Aldous Snow, a substance abused fallen rock star played by pre-married version of Russell Brand, to the Greek Theatre in LA for the 10 year anniversary of his legendary show. It was a little "what else can go wrong" sort of movie but not to the level of extremeness like the overrated Hungover. 

There were a turning point in this movie, it was a bit half way through the movie when Aaron accidentally intake some 'Jeffery' ("why the *beep* is it called Jeffrey?" "Cause who could be scared of Jeffrey? Jeffrey’s just a nice bloke from down the road") and did some crazy things. Through this weird incident, both characters broke through and resolved something that they weren't able to do prior to it. And this leads us to today's topic – Furry Walls (yes, it took me a while, but at least there is a reason for my post and not about teenage girl deciding between necrophilia and bestiality that lasted 5 movies)

While Aaron was high and thought he had a heart attack, Aldous had to comfort him and the only thing he had in front of his was a furry wall. He told Aaron to just keep on stroking the furry wall and everything will be fine. It was a crazy scene and I know it doesn't make much sense but it happened. At the end of the movie, Aldous wrote a song, and the lyrics was just as crazy:

When the world slips you a Jeffery,
Stroke the furry wall,
Stroke the furry wall,

Furry walls don't bring me down,
Furry walls please stay around,
Furry walls,
Furry walls

Furry walls kiss me to sleep,
Furry walls please help me read,
Furry walls,
Furry walls

Furry walls can take you on a magic carpet ride,
Furry walls surround you till you got no place to hide,
Let your furry fingers be your guide

Furry walls turn out the light,
Furry walls please stay the night,
Furry walls,
Furry walls

Furry walls let's have a taste,
Furry walls sit on my face,
Furry walls,
Furry walls

Maybe I'm in heaven with the furry skies above,
All around are furry clouds, look, here's a furry dove,
Let me stroke your furry walls of love,
Furry walls,
Furry walls

Furry walls, I am amazed,
Furry walls, we're in a daze,
Furry walls,
Furry walls

Don't be in a hurry, things aren't the way they were,
Shaggy walls of loveliness, it's all a furry blur,
Maybe I'm in heaven with the furry skies above,
All around are furry clouds, look, here's a furry dove,
Let the walls caress you in a showering of love,
Furry walls,
Furry walls

Furry walls, I'm gonna cry,
Furry walls, please lift me high,
Furry walls,
Furry walls

You may ask, why does this crazy song or the concept of furry walls intrigues me? Because it make sense to me and I can actually relate to that.

When life hits you with something unexpected, sometimes all you can do is to hold onto something and keep tell yourself that everything is going to be okay. Furry wall is really the same concept, as crazy it may sound, of My Favourite Things. You remind yourself with what your dreams are, what makes you happy until finally you break out of that cycle of fear and uncertain. Finding peace in things.

We sometimes just need that furry walls. When I was going through my darkest moments I sometimes remember the scene and the lyrics of this song "and then I don't feel... so bad!"

#20/365 – Furry Walls

The Comeback

It's not a secret that I love the TV series Friends, afterall I do have all ten seasons on DVDs. I love all the characters on Friends but when it comes to making me laugh, Lisa Kudrow gets my vote. I didn't pay much attention to her post-Friends career until, in Austin last November, Marv introduced me to this series called The Comeback.

The show only lasted a short season of 13 episodes on HBO, but boy it was good! It was about a has-been TV star, Valerie Cherish, trying to make it big again by taking on a minor (and terrible) role in a new sit-com while making a reality TV show on the side called "The Comeback", hence the name of this series. We, the viewer, actually watch the "raw footage" of this fictional reality TV show and see what really is going on in Valerie Cherish's life. The series was funny, intended awkward and, like many Lisa Kudrow's post-Friends project I found after watching this show, heavily improved. At times, it's even hard to watch because you just feel for Valerie!

I also like how tough Valerie Cherish was in the show. She was vunlerable but she fight through a lot of difficult moments. She was a survivor!

 

It makes me laugh, so therefore... it is happiness.

#20/365 – The Comeback